Crucial Conversations

There are plenty of books on UX design and UX research I often cite, but the first book on my list isn’t about research or design. It’s about how to talk to people, especially about topics where emotions are strong: Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High.

This book addresses how to engage with others about difficult topics in a humane way that mitigates personal feelings and focuses on mutually beneficial outcomes. I know that reckoning with how to approach difficult, thorny topics like poor performance, compensation, personally sensitive issues, or even simple misunderstandings is challenging. The anxiety of it alone takes up too much space in our heads. It drags on, builds the wrong stories, and sometimes leads to worse outcomes than if we simply had the tough conversation. How do we avoid this?

Crucial Conversations notes that reactions are based on feelings, and feelings are based on stories we tell ourselves about things that happen, not the things themselves. If I can reframe the story, I can change how I feel and thus how I react. Engaging in dialogue the right way is integral to accomplishing this story rewrite. But how do we do this when the stakes (and emotions) are so high? The book covers quite a bit, especially on the notion of creating safety for effective communication, but for this post I’ll talk about the authors’ framework for actually conducting a difficult conversation. They use the acronym S-T-A-T-E:

S – Share your facts

Starting with the premise that our objective is to have a shared pool of knowledge that gets to the outcome we want (ie, not a you vs me battle), we start a conversation with facts. Most conversations go awry at the outset because we start with our stories about the facts. “You missed the deadline” is a fact. Two people can rationally discuss this and determine the Why so that both can come to the mutually desirable outcome: satisfactory performance. By sticking to facts, we take the emotional charge out of a conversation.

T – Tell your story

If we both agree to the facts of what happened, we may not have the same understanding of impact, so it’s important that I share the impact from my perspective. “I had to apologize to the stakeholder and work with the project manager to adjust the timeline.” My direct report may not have realized the deadline for what may have seemed a simple task had a serious impact to the project or the department reputation. Just because something is obvious to me doesn’t mean it’s obvious to everyone.

A – Ask for the other’s paths

Listening is key to creating safety. I won’t get the knowledge you need to remedy a situation if the other person is in defensive mode. I ask their story and see where the differences lie. In most situations, the impact is much lower in their minds.

T – Talk Tentatively

“I saw that you were working on other projects, and it seems like that could be why you missed the deadline.” People need direction from their leaders, but in difficult conversations they need common understanding. We both need a shared “pool of meaning”, else any solution will be temporary, and we’ll be addressing the same issue in a matter of time.

E – Encourage Testing

“Is that what happened, or was there something else?” Again, if the other person doesn’t contribute to the pool of knowledge, I won’t come to a lasting solution. Speaking in a tentative tone rather than a declarative one creates the feeling that we are working together toward resolution. This becomes critical when suggesting different courses of action, as I want the other person to own the outcome equally. Anything else becomes a “me vs you” argument, and no one wins. 

It takes a while (and multiple readings) to remember the whole acronym, but I’ve seen people gain immediate value just by understanding the notion of “stories” and by starting hard conversations with facts. Mastering one’s emotions in difficult situations is an ongoing process of growth, so it’s nice to have an actionable framework as a start.

Honing our craft in UX is obviously critical to providing core value, but as one advances to senior levels and management roles, people relationships become more central to success than technical skill. Talking to people about difficult topics is one of the hardest aspects of these relationships, and I appreciate how Crucial Conversations demystifies and gives a tactical framework to this underappreciated soft skill.